


The power of memories.

by Jolly_Rancherz



Series: Sidemen stories. [3]
Category: The Ultimate Sidemen
Genre: Child Abandonment, Depression, Ethan is going through a rough patch, Ethan reflects on his father figures and what them leaving means, FaceTime and texting, Gen, Harry reassures Ethan, Insecurity, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:48:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28800843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jolly_Rancherz/pseuds/Jolly_Rancherz
Summary: Ethan hits a major low in his mental state when fathers day resurfaces some painful memories.Cue Harry. Here to talk it out with Ethan.
Relationships: Ethan Payne & Harry Lewis
Series: Sidemen stories. [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2093112
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	The power of memories.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [whereyoustand](https://archiveofourown.org/users/whereyoustand/gifts).



> Hey guys, depending on certain things this could be triggering for you, so please heed the warnings. 
> 
> Written for the lovely whereyoustand, hope you enjoy. <3
> 
> Warnings: Child abandonment and verbal abuse, mentions of drug addictions, very brief mentions of cancer, past poor body image and insecurities.

He didn't intend for this to happen, of course he didn't. 

Who would actively want this? Who would intend to feel like this? Who would choose to feel like this? 

Ethan wanted it to stop. The endless chants telling him he wasn't worth it, that he wasn't good enough. 

That he had let him down. That he was a disappointment. 

The voices in his head were too loud. He was trying really hard to silence them but they were overwhelming. 

It felt like they had him wrapped in an inescapable grip; that they were shoving him under freezing cold water. 

_He was cold and trapped._

Everything else beyond just the water being shut out. Silenced. Basking in the cold waters of the voices. 

**Voices of his ‘father’.**

Ethans childhood felt like one excruciating painful stab after the other, each event driving the blade deeper and deeper tell it left irreversible damage.

“Ethan. You’re not having dessert.” 

“Middle school football? Sure, they let anyone on the team and I mean anyone.”

“Go put on a hoodie lad, nobody wants to see that.” 

Subtle. Ethan didn't fully understand what was happening at such a youthful age, but he knew it made tears well up in his eyes at night. 

It hurt. But he just thought it was normal dad and son stuff. Banter. It tore him down more and more each time and it made Ethan cast his eyes to the floor when he was around mirrors.

His ‘dad’ started slipping away from who he was. He always looked miles away even though he was sitting right there. His insults flowed with more ease and in a tone that made Ethan feel horrible.

_Made him hate himself._

_Made him hate his body._

He understands now. His ‘father’ was a drug addict and he was riding the high as bits and pieces of himself fell down beside him. 

His ‘dad’ hurt his mom. Such hateful words that made Ethan feel like a failed son when he was too scared to stand up for her. 

Ethan hated that the most. Nobody should’ve hurt her. They were both abandoned for a second time. 

**A second time.**

Ethan remembers the feeling of everything collapsing around him. 

_Divorce papers._

He remembers reading through them with blurry eyes, falling to his knees. That man was never his father. Not a psychological one or biological. 

It was all fake. The lines that made Ethan's heart feel like it stopped beating. 

‘Ethan Payne will be left with his **biological** mother; she will be granted full custody. As for the **step** father, he is in no suitable condition and has no **biological** relation and will have his parental rights over Ethan revoked.’ 

He must have read it over 100 times. He could recite it. He felt so betrayed and angry. 

That night his knuckles were left scathed and his attic littered with fist shaped indents.

The man had belittled and ridiculed Ethan in the shadows to the point he wished he could hide away in them. He had always done it when Ethan's mom was away.

His fake father left. Left Ethan for drugs. Lied about himself. His biological dad left before he was ever even born.

It made him feel worthless and that he was…..a disappointing son. 

A son not worth fighting an addiction for. A son not worth staying for.

_He ate away his feelings._

Whilst his mom struggled to stay financially afloat, Ethan felt like he failed her next. 

He had wanted to help. He really did. 

But the hate and anger seeped into him, through him, corrupting him. 

It was rough. He felt so jipped and betrayed by everything that it made him blind with rage. After bursts of anger he would feel so….done and tired. 

He didn't want to do anything. Just wanted to sleep. Pretend reality was different. 

Till his mom got cancer. It was a painful awakening and kicked him into gear to get his shit together and support her like she had done for years.

It was just rough. 

Sometimes things would trigger that feeling. That feeling Ethan knows but never really told anyone about. 

It was fathers day a few days ago and it hurt. Made those painful memories bubble back up to the surface. 

_Made the feeling come back._

Ethan had been laying in his bed for two days now, getting up for food and drink but coming back after. 

Missing his workouts that were the route of his existence but he couldn't bring himself to move. 

He let out a shaky breath, it was late in the morning and his brain would not stop replaying the tragedies of his youth. 

His hand slipped out from under the covers and he brought his phone over to him. Ethan had it silenced for the vast majority of the day. 

**Harry (1:57pm):** Yo, you good man? I haven't seen you in the groupchat or anything this weekend. I’m here if you need anything mate. 

**Harry(12:37am):** Sorry not trying to be a nag. Just wanna check in and see that you’re doing alright. Again…...I know, again. I’m sorry. You just didn't reply earlier so maybe you didn't get my text or smthing. 

**Harry(12:41am):** Maybe you missed the last one too. Gotta play it safe. 

Ethan felt a lazily smile appear at that. He didnt wanna reply, didn't want to do anything really. 

But a triple text? Clearly Harry was evidently worried. He unlocked his phone and turned his ringer back on. 

**Behz(2:02am):** I’m fine mate. Just had my phone on silent, appreciate the check in though. 

He rolled on his back, letting out a sigh of exhaustion. It was ironic, he knows. He hasn't done much of anything but he was exhausted. 

**Bzzzzzz.**

Ethan felt his eyebrow raise at that. Surely Harry hadn't replied that quickly? 

……...He had. 

**Harry(2:05am):** I slept in fairly late and I’m a bit of a mess right now but I could bring some leftovers I made for ‘dinner’ and we can watch something together. 

Sounded like Harry. That kid was the king of waking up whenever. 

But his message was reassuring. Harry understood and Ethan hadn't had to explain it awkwardly. Harry just knew. 

It made things easy. Made it a bit less shitty. 

**Harry(2:09am):** Or if ya need some more time, I understand. 

**Behz(2:10am):** Facetime? 

The idea of spending time with his friends was always enticing and exciting but Ethan didn't want Harry to see him like this….well, not in person. 

Almost instantaneously that obnoxious FaceTime tone filled the silence around him. 

Hitting the green phone icon; he accepted the call. Harry's face popped up, slightly visible from the illumination of his phone. 

Harry smiled and Ethan felt himself match it. 

“Can’t blame you, averting my cooking was probably to protect your safety.” His friend spoke. 

Ethan felt a laugh work itself from his chest. It surprised him but it helped fill that...feeling. Helped make it better. 

“Food poisoning with the Sidemen.” Ethan spoke jokingly in regards to a Sidemen Sunday video. 

Harry chuckled before replying. 

“Sidemen cook off: Meal that can make us ill first wins.” He spoke with excessive enthusiasm. 

“Just jip Freezy’s channel, aye?” Ethan added on. 

“In his defence some of his meals are….edible.” They both chuckled at that, slipping into a familiar dynamic. 

“I’m sure that's why Lux moved down the street.” Ethan spoke with a teasing tone. 

“What? Cause of our cooking?” Harry replied; voice laced with amusement. 

“Smart lad escaping that.” Ethan commented as he shifted onto his side whilst holding his phone in front of him. 

“Pshhhh. Can’t really diss you back. When you want to, you cook a mean meal.” Harry admitted as he shrugged lazily. 

“Comes from makin’ meals all day for bulking, so much repetition of cooking the same thing day and day again.” Ethan answered back honestly. 

A silence broke out at that. Made Ethan set his phone down beside him so he could opt to stare up at the ceiling instead. 

Harry hummed gently before speaking.

“You alright?” His friend asked. 

Ethan felt his mouth go dry, letting out a deep breath. The silence extended into minutes as he gathered his thoughts; a bit shocked Harry simply waited patiently.

“It hurts.” He admitted. 

“Seeing everyone post pictures with their fathers and captions reading how wonderful they are and to have a happy fathers day.” Ethan felt some tension fade from finally shoving that confession of his chest; had been weighing him down. 

“Makes me…. makes me feel like I wasn’t good enough for them.” He breathed out as he shut his eyes. 

“Trust me Ethan, they weren't good enough for you. The both of them. Shitty fucking fathers that missed out on **the Behzinga.** ” Harry added extra emphasis on the last two words as to lighten the severity of the topic.

Ethan felt an amused and overwhelmed breath mix together as it left him. 

“I….It just makes me feel terrible that both of them left me.” 

_Abandoned._

“I promise it has nothing to do with you as an individual mate, they were the disappointments. Had to run away from themselves or shoot up drugs to escape. Pretend their lives held any sort of significance when they were the failures. Not you Ethan. You’ve come so far and they are awful examples of people, their opinions mean nothing. It would’ve been the same no matter what kid they had. This is on them not you, lad.” Harry spoke quietly. 

Ethan felt a fresh new wave of emotions hit him. Shattering the grip it had on him. Filling that devoid feeling. 

“I promise you are more than fucking worth it, Ethan.” 

_He was more than worth all that bullshit, wasn't he?_  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Ethan is honestly one of the most complex and inspiring Sidemen. 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed! (Especially whereyoustand.)
> 
> Comments and kudos mean so much to me so please don't hesitate!


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